and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
