I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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