Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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