Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
