Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
