After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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