Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i believe in u and ur pee
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