if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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