I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
