Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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