So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He passed out mid-signature
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
