the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
