you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
