He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
