Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Randomize
