Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
