EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
