apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
