My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
