But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
