Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
