some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
