I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My balls are so social today.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
