So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
