Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
