I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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