Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
