I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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