I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the condom got lost in my hair
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
