watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The beer is more important than you right now.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
