McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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