Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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