The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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