If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
