so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
