Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
