textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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