fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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