I wish my penis had an off switch
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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