I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
