I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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