bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
