I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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