this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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