Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
