pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
