i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
