Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
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I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
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I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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