OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
