They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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