I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
