I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
They are going to name an STD after you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
