About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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