why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he quoted the bible to break up with me
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
