seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Farmville is her only friend.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT