Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
