Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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