my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
