If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
